How to make me feel self-conscious today

1. Stand by me at the bus stop, and although it's clear you're trying not to, allow your gaze to be drawn to my bulging swollen eye as if you were looking at the wreckage of a particularly nasty car crash. Repeat until the bus comes, looking away guiltily when my good eye meets yours.

2. Visibly wince when I walk into your chemist's and point to my various bites. Shake your head in amazement when I explain it was just a mosquito, and scrunch up your face in pain when I ask for something to put on the larger bites. Look sceptical when I insist it was just a mosquito and advise me not to drive a car.

3. Trip over your own feet in horror and amazement when you see me coming towards you with my absurdly half-closed puffy eye.

Really, I'll look normal again before you know it, couldn't we just pretend I do already?