Les gens qui ne rient jamais ne sont pas des gens sérieux

Be who you are and say what you mean, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

Monday, October 22, 2007

the future starts soon

I lay there in the half-light, wide awake. I should have just turned over, emptied my mind and gone back to sleep, but something was nagging.

Someone could change my life today.

I lay on my side, watching him breathing slowly and steadily. Fast asleep and free from the anxiety I was feeling, the uncertainty of whether our lives were going to change direction or stay on this path.

Two options, both with their attractions, no longer in my control.

I imagined the first, with its excitement and opportunity. In my heart of hearts this was what I wanted. It would come with responsibility, and shape everything that followed. But it would mean separation, even if only temporarily. Uncertainty, hostility from some people and tears for sure. Would I be strong enough to break away from this secure home we have created and start again?

Thinking of the second, a lump hardened in my throat. To be passed over again. So close but sent home without the prize. In many ways the outcome I was expecting, trying to prepare myself for. But not what I wanted, if I was brutally honest.

I just had to wait.

And then I had to wait some more.

The call didn't come.

The weekend came.

I waited.

The elections brought hope for change in the country and the voters came out in the sunshine. Job done, a different party took over and pointed Poland in a new direction.

I waited and realised I didn't mind the waiting so much. In fact, I was even half hoping for a different outcome now. We had a new plan for the future. I had convinced myself I already knew which option the call would present me with. I cushioned the disappointment I would feel. It would all be for the best. I was ready.

The call finally came.

My life is going to change after all.

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Anonymous gs said...

But don't stop blogging!

10:23 pm  
Anonymous Claire said...

tell me more tell me more!!!!! cxxx

9:37 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Becca moves to mo Marek ,no more Poland. She will teach kangaroos how to jump.

6:05 pm  
Blogger Becca said...

no gs, no chance of that.

wow anon, four inaccuracies in one sentence... no, no, no and no :)

6:14 pm  

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