the future starts soon

I lay there in the half-light, wide awake. I should have just turned over, emptied my mind and gone back to sleep, but something was nagging.

Someone could change my life today.

I lay on my side, watching him breathing slowly and steadily. Fast asleep and free from the anxiety I was feeling, the uncertainty of whether our lives were going to change direction or stay on this path.

Two options, both with their attractions, no longer in my control.

I imagined the first, with its excitement and opportunity. In my heart of hearts this was what I wanted. It would come with responsibility, and shape everything that followed. But it would mean separation, even if only temporarily. Uncertainty, hostility from some people and tears for sure. Would I be strong enough to break away from this secure home we have created and start again?

Thinking of the second, a lump hardened in my throat. To be passed over again. So close but sent home without the prize. In many ways the outcome I was expecting, trying to prepare myself for. But not what I wanted, if I was brutally honest.

I just had to wait.

And then I had to wait some more.

The call didn't come.

The weekend came.

I waited.

The elections brought hope for change in the country and the voters came out in the sunshine. Job done, a different party took over and pointed Poland in a new direction.

I waited and realised I didn't mind the waiting so much. In fact, I was even half hoping for a different outcome now. We had a new plan for the future. I had convinced myself I already knew which option the call would present me with. I cushioned the disappointment I would feel. It would all be for the best. I was ready.

The call finally came.

My life is going to change after all.