Les gens qui ne rient jamais ne sont pas des gens sérieux

Be who you are and say what you mean, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The honest truth

'So how's it going?' I ask Vicky, fellow bridesmaid at my cousin Cath's wedding a few years back, but now sporting a wedding ring and balancing a six-month old boy on her hip.

'Great!' she replied, untangling her son's fist from her hair and putting him down on a rug.

With all these babies around, I was getting increasingly worried about broodiness and decided the time had come for some horror stories.

'Tell me about the birth,' I demanded. 'Was it the most painful experience of your life?'

Vicky turned to me, her eyes solemn and face overcome with a serious expression I was not used to. 'The worst part,' she started, 'was the frizz'.

I frowned, not having come across that particular birthing expression, 'er, what?'

Vicky soon explained, "I had a water birth you see, and the water not only turned me as wrinkly as a prune, but made my hair go all kinky!'

Seriously? The worst part? Once she'd started though there was no stopping her...

'Honestly Becca, if you have a water birth, remember the hair straighteners. I don't think they're officially allowed in hospitals, but give it a go anyway, it's a nightmare otherwise.'

'The other terrible part was the timing.' she continued, 'When I was going back to the ward, it was visiting time so all these people were standing round while I came through with my big hair and makeup all down my face.

'Hang on a sec Vic', I interrupted. 'You had make-up on?'

'Of course!' She looked shocked, and then her face relaxed 'oh, not the full works, but I couldn't go without my mascara. Another problem for water births as it turns out.'

I giggled. 'You're telling me, when your contractions started you were putting on mascara?'

'Yeah, once I'd shaved my legs. Now THAT's not easy with a bump.'

I couldn't hold in the laughter any more and felt awed by the power of selective memory.

No horrific screaming, splitting flesh or seemingly never-ending pain, just shaved legs, frizzy hair and streaky make-up. A modern birth for a modern mother.

It's ok though, I checked with Cath and she remembers thinking she was going to die during her labour, so I'm not in any rush to join in.

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Anonymous szwed said...

Women won`t thank you for it but you have just unmasked one of the main arguments females use when sending men on guilt-trips.

No way I`ll fall for that "try giving birth to a 5-pound baby" ruse again.

I believe there`s a programme on the Discovery Channel called "The Mythbusters". You should be on it.

6:33 pm  

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